When I was at the park the other day I overheard three darling little girls dreaming about their future. “After I get married, we will divorce before we have kids so we won’t deal with custody issues” said one. “I think I’ll wait until after the babies, but we’ll have lots-o-monies and I’ll get the big car in the divorce!” exclaimed another. The littlest one chimed in… “I think I’ll just never ever get married cause if I do I know we’ll be gettin’ a vorce real quick.” Did this conversation really just happen? No. Why? Because little girls don’t dream about getting their hearts broken. We don’t dream about broken dreams or broken homes either. We hope and plan for the best, brightest future we can imagine. Somewhere along the way life takes some of us by surprise. We learn the hard way that things don’t always go as planned.
So I’m mid-twenties, divorced, and a single mama. Can we say terrifying? That’s an understatement. Life is not what I had planned, to say the least. For the first four months of my singleness I ate chocolate late at night to numb the pain and cried even more than I ate. There were many days my eyes were too swollen to see straight. My dear co-workers watched me with their sympathetic and sweet smiles. They knew I would be alright; but I was the one who was unsure if I would ever smile again.
I grieved the loss of the perfect and stable family I had always hoped to create for my precious daughter. I grieved the brokenness that returned as haunting memories from my own childhood. Most of all, I grieved my own perception that I had disappointed God in such a big way. How could a girl like me, someone who knew better and loved the Lord, end up divorced?
Yet after years of over analyzing and prayer, I still know at my core that we did what had to be done in our specific circumstances.
Lest I come off as someone who is pro-divorce, let me insert this disclaimer: I would not wish it on my worst enemy. As my pastor’s wife Carrie once gently whispered so wisely to me over coffee, “Yes, God hates divorce; He hates it because of the love that is lost, or the love that was never there. He hates it out of compassion for His children. He hates the hurt it causes all involved because He loves us dearly.” I truly believe that many divorces could be avoided today with counseling and prayer. Still, every situation is unique and some couples will find themselves at the inevitable end of the road despite their best efforts. The road of divorce is very painful for all parties involved. No, it’s not God’s first choice; but if you happen to find yourself on the same road I've been traveling, perhaps God will grace you with teaching you the most valuable lessons you have ever learned through said divorce. Such has been the case for me.
The following are the priceless glints of wisdom I've gleaned through an aching heart:
1. Acceptance is synonymous with peace and contentment. Living with what-ifs, regrets, and shoulda/woulda/coulda’s will steal true joy like a thief in the night every time. I’m now into the stage where acceptance has set in. No, it’s not as I planned. Yes, life is still beautiful. I’m going to be okay. “But godliness with contentment is great gain, for I was brought into this world with nothing and I will leave with nothing, but if I have food and clothing I will be content with that.” 1 Tim 6:6-9
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2. Let go of pride and ask for help. I’ve asked friends to pray for my weary soul, to babysit my sweet Brooke when I'm too tired to function, and even to help me move- and I am not someone who enjoys admitting I need help. Goodbye pride, hello body of Christ. “Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Gal 6:2
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3. Choose happy. Choose to see your blessings through the pain. Some days the only good I could see was that we made it through the day without my daughter having a fit and my cereal tasted good. If all you have to be thankful for in the midst of a terrible Monday is a good bowl of cereal, then by all means, think about that cereal. “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” Phil 4:8
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4. Soak up our Creator’s mercy and grace- and pass it on! The fact that He would continue to bless me in-spite of the bad choices I have made in life is utterly mind- blowing. My beautiful daughter, a loving family, dear friends, a sunset, an education, a church home, a roof over my head- all things I don’t deserve (and not just because of divorce but also due to many other times I’ve fallen short of glory). His mercy knows no boundaries and this sinner can only beam up at His majesty with a thankful heart in bewildered astonishment, anxious to pass on the grace and wisdom He has bestowed upon me. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Rom 3:23
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5. Self-care, self-care, self-care. For a while this one felt a lot like selfish; but I’ve learned there’s a big difference between selfish and self-care. Self-care says “I will take care of myself first so I then have something to give to others” while selfish just plain says “I’ll take care of myself and only me. Screw others.” I try to take care of myself better through exercise, nutrition, time with God, prayer, and self-growth so I can be the best version of myself and magnify God’s grace in every area of my life. “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price”. 1 Cor 6:16
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6. Lean only on the Lord. He is the only rock we need. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT make your spouse or your family your core as I once did- or anything else for that matter. Our God is a jealous God. “You shall have no other gods before me…” Exodus 4:23
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7. Have integrity and avoid slander at all costs. Anytime humans hurt each other it becomes second nature to lash out at one another. However, malice would not be in line with integrity. I’ve attempted (emphasis on attempted- not always successful here) to stay positive in my explanations of our situation. This one is a huge challenge, but oh so integral to inner peace. “Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law.” James 4:11
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8. No one is owed an explanation. I realized for a while when I wanted to give an explanation it was simply because it felt like I needed to rationalize away the divorce. I felt I had to plead my case on why it happened. Through time and prayer God revealed to me that an explanation was not needed. God knew. I knew. No one else needed to know. End of story. "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Gal 1:10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Hey Lindsey, beautifully written. You are wise beyond your years, and although it pains me to know that some of this wisdom has been gained through hard times, it is still a priceless attribute. I would love to get together with you again...just to hang out...and you don't have to explain a thing. I just think you're cool that's all ;)
ReplyDeleteHaven't visited here in a long time. I'm sorry for what has happened. The glints of wisdom you have picked up and expressed here will go a long way in sustaining you. God bless.
ReplyDeleteJust reread this post. It is very well-written, with a high ethical component. Many times in divorce the painful emotions crowd out some of the concerns you address here.
ReplyDeleteMy question: would you mind if I used that blog post for one or two articles for my blog? I might even use them for a radio program, and in a book I'm writing about marriage.
I can keep your identity private, and I can even write it so that it is gender neutral, so it will (hopefully) have equal impact for a man or woman.
If you'd like, I would even email you what I write before I publish it.
Thanks for considering this. And if you'd like to respond by email, you can write me at wbcofc (at) pld.com.
Warren
Family Fountain Blog
Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteI was so so saddened to see this. I sympathize with many of the feelings (encouraging and discouraging) you mention here as I went through the same thing 3 years ago.
If I might be so bold, I'd like to offer some additional thoughts, at the very least for anyone else that possibly runs across this in the future (much as I did):
Lean in. Lean in to the pain, the fear, the love, the vulnerability. Don't medicate. Don't protect yourself. It's a horrible, devastating thing. Much like the cross. Perhaps someone will come and save you from it at the last moment, or terrifyingly perhaps you will hope and put yourself out there until the very end. But stay on that cross until the very end. In the nights to come you will need the solace of knowing you did everything you could think of. But much more than that, this is one of the closest moments you will ever have to Christ- don't numb it, feel it and embrace Him as best you can.
Spend time with and seek the counsel of those close to God. Encourage them to speak their minds and hearts to you. Listen to them. Divorce confuses you much, much more than you realize in the moment, so the times when you think you're thinking clearly you're often not.
Spend time with others in pain and in joy as much as you can, and be real with them about what you're going through (or have gone through). It will make most people uncomfortable. It's even sort of antisocial (in that we're expected to keep such things to ourselves). But helping others with their own pain, and remembering what joy looks like will help keep your heart fresh and prevent it from turning inward too much.
Fast, pray, and write. Do all three a lot. If it ever comes down to choosing one of these three or watching TV, choose one of the first three if at all possible. It's much harder. But it will also pay off immensely later. The TV watching will just numb you.
I'd also just like to say I'm overjoyed that you maintained your faith throughout this, and I hope it's become even stronger. It makes me proud, and happy for your daughter (who, sidebar, is adorable).
Keep pushing forward. Take heart and know you are never alone.
David