Twenty-something and divorced; Lessons from God

When I was at the park the other day I overheard three darling little girls dreaming about their future. “After I get married, we will divorce before we have kids so we won’t deal with custody issues” said one. “I think I’ll wait until after the babies, but we’ll have lots-o-monies and I’ll get the big car in the divorce!” exclaimed another. The littlest one chimed in… “I think I’ll just never ever get married cause if I do I know we’ll be gettin’ a vorce real quick.”  Did this conversation really just happen? No. Why? Because little girls don’t dream about getting their hearts broken. We don’t dream about broken dreams or broken homes either. We hope and plan for the best, brightest future we can imagine. Somewhere along the way life takes some of us by surprise. We learn the hard way that things don’t always go as planned.

 So I’m mid-twenties, divorced, and a single mama. Can we say terrifying? That’s an understatement. Life is not what I had planned, to say the least. For the first four months of my singleness I ate chocolate late at night to numb the pain and cried even more than I ate. There were many days my eyes were too swollen to see straight. My dear co-workers watched me with their sympathetic and sweet smiles. They knew I would be alright; but I was the one who was unsure if I would ever smile again. I grieved the loss of the perfect and stable family I had always hoped to create for my precious daughter. I grieved the brokenness that returned as haunting memories from my own childhood. Most of all, I grieved my own perception that I had disappointed God in such a big way. How could a girl like me, someone who knew better and loved the Lord, end up divorced?

 Yet after years of over analyzing and prayer, I still know at my core that we did what had to be done in our specific circumstances. Lest I come off as someone who is pro-divorce, let me insert this disclaimer: I would not wish it on my worst enemy. As my pastor’s wife Carrie once gently whispered so wisely to me over coffee, “Yes, God hates divorce; He hates it because of the love that is lost, or the love that was never there. He hates it out of compassion for His children. He hates the hurt it causes all involved because He loves us dearly.” I truly believe that many divorces could be avoided today with counseling and prayer. Still, every situation is unique and some couples will find themselves at the inevitable end of the road despite their best efforts. The road of divorce is very painful for all parties involved. No, it’s not God’s first choice; but if you happen to find yourself on the same road I've been traveling, perhaps God will grace you with teaching you the most valuable lessons you have ever learned through said divorce. Such has been the case for me. The following are the priceless glints of wisdom I've gleaned through an aching heart:

 1. Acceptance is synonymous with peace and contentment. Living with what-ifs, regrets, and shoulda/woulda/coulda’s will steal true joy like a thief in the night every time. I’m now into the stage where acceptance has set in. No, it’s not as I planned. Yes, life is still beautiful. I’m going to be okay. “But godliness with contentment is great gain, for I was brought into this world with nothing and I will leave with nothing, but if I have food and clothing I will be content with that.” 1 Tim 6:6-9 2

2. Let go of pride and ask for help. I’ve asked friends to pray for my weary soul, to babysit my sweet Brooke when I'm too tired to function, and even to help me move- and I am not someone who enjoys admitting I need help. Goodbye pride, hello body of Christ. “Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Gal 6:2 3.

3. Choose happy. Choose to see your blessings through the pain. Some days the only good I could see was that we made it through the day without my daughter having a fit and my cereal tasted good. If all you have to be thankful for in the midst of a terrible Monday is a good bowl of cereal, then by all means, think about that cereal.  “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” Phil 4:8 4

4. Soak up our Creator’s mercy and grace- and pass it on! The fact that He would continue to bless me in-spite of the bad choices I have made in life is utterly mind- blowing. My beautiful daughter, a loving family, dear friends, a sunset, an education, a church home, a roof over my head- all things I don’t deserve (and not just because of divorce but also due to many other times I’ve fallen short of glory). His mercy knows no boundaries and this sinner can only beam up at His majesty with a thankful heart in bewildered astonishment, anxious to pass on the grace and wisdom He has bestowed upon me. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Rom 3:23 5

5. Self-care, self-care, self-care. For a while this one felt a lot like selfish; but I’ve learned there’s a big difference between selfish and self-care. Self-care says “I will take care of myself first so I then have something to give to others” while selfish just plain says “I’ll take care of myself and only me. Screw others.” I try to take care of myself better through exercise, nutrition, time with God, prayer, and self-growth so I can be the best version of myself and magnify God’s grace in every area of my life. “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price”. 1 Cor 6:16 6

6.  Lean only on the Lord. He is the only rock we need. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT make your spouse or your family your core as I once did- or anything else for that matter. Our God is a jealous God. “You shall have no other gods before me…” Exodus 4:23 7

7. Have integrity and avoid slander at all costs. Anytime humans hurt each other it becomes second nature to lash out at one another. However, malice would not be in line with integrity. I’ve attempted (emphasis on attempted- not always successful here) to stay positive in my explanations of our situation. This one is a huge challenge, but oh so integral to inner peace. “Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law.” James 4:11 8

8. No one is owed an explanation. I realized for a while when I wanted to give an explanation it was simply because it felt like I needed to rationalize away the divorce. I felt I had to plead my case on why it happened. Through time and prayer God revealed to me that an explanation was not needed. God knew. I knew. No one else needed to know. End of story. "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Gal 1:10

 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

28 by 28

It seems in my psychology classes we are always talking about the importance of encouraging clients to define operational goals for their own lives to help them live more intentionally. Psychoeducation teaches that while there are a lot of things we can’t control in life, we are wise to focus on the things we can control.

What better way to hold one's self accountable for personal goals than to A.) write them down and B.) post them publicly on your internet blog site? I owe Jennifer Collier
for the inspiration of naming and claiming my own goals. Below I have come up with 28 goals to accomplish before I’m 28. Technically I just turned 26 two months ago, but these next nine months are completely shot (time and resources wise) on goal # 1, so I threw in an extra year to help me accomplish goals #2-28.


1. Complete Masters before age 27
2. Pray about/apply for doctoral programs
3. Make a house into a home
4. Finish writing book
5. Do scientific research on the concept of soul mates
6. Practice being completely content in life regardless of circumstances
7. Be more aware of how God is romancing me every single day
8. Memorize 22 bible verses (1 per month for the next 22 months)
9. Take Brooke on a Disney Cruise
10. Swim in the ocean
11. Take Brooke to the St. Louis Zoo
12. Learn how to cook with meat
13. Apply for college teaching positions
14. Get LPC certification
15. Get my own tool set/learn how to use said tools
16. Do a one month fashion challenge and document
17. Get Brooke completely potty trained
18. Maintain current weight
19. Go one month without diet coke
20. Increase emergency fund to six months of living expenses
21. Get mother/daughter pictures taken with Brooke and I both in pearls
22. Watch season 1 of Gilmore Girls
23. Revamp an old tattoo
24. Relearn how to play "Moonlight Sonata" on the piano
25. Read 12 "just for fun" books that are not required texts for school
26. Stay at a never before visited bed and breakfast(I do love these so)
27. Learn to balance truth and grace
28. Paint a display-worthy, abstract work of art with Brooke's help

And now it's time to turn the tables; what are your goals? :)

When Christians break dishes...and other things Christians aren't supposed to do

I’m currently experiencing a small but growing gnawing sensation to discuss something that is often over examined by those from the non-religious community and at the same time overlooked by those within it. Judgmentalism. Just the mention stirs dissention and nausea for some, guilt and cynicism for others. Either way, it usually doesn’t come off positive.

We as Christians (excuse the generalization) seem to struggle with this more than our non-religious counterparts…or perhaps it just seems this way because judgementality flies in the face of what we are supposed to be displaying toward one another: grace.

It’s dreadfully easy to peer objectively into another’s life and shake our disapproving heads. Much easier, than say, looking at an individual and taking into context all of their genetic makeup, experiences, and then trusting they are simply doing the best they can with what wisdom they have gathered. What’s more is that even if we disapprove of their choices, it is not our place to make a choice for them. As adults we have this wonderful thing called free will- a beautiful ability to define our own truth.

As Christians it would be refreshingly healing if we could look at each other through glasses of grace instead of windows of criticism. I’ve said it before in many conversations with dear friends, but on this side of heaven we are all simply doing the best we can in a broken world. Let’s love each other through the pain instead of adding onto it, shall we? Easier said than done, I know, but easier done with practice nonetheless.

Who is HE?

I've recently been going through quite the personal trial and have used the valley to reflect on our heavenly Father. God is love. It's a freuquently used phrase, but what does it mean? The way He loves His children at times makes it hard for me to breathe. He covers us in grace and mercy, yet loves us enough to disclipline us and grant us revelation in times of extreme trial. He frees us from the cuffs we have locked on our very own writsts time and time again. He teaches us obedience through tough love that only the Father of the universe could orchestrate. He is the only truth I know, the light I cling to with every fiber of who I am, and the grace I need to start each day.God is love. Love is light. Light is the only way to live.