Journey to Selah

January 2015- "I do...." We get married and immediately begin trying to grow our family.
April of 2016- "You will most likely never have kids together, it's very unlikely."- Matt's doctor after some fertility testing following a year of trying to get pregnant.
September of 2016- "Well, there might be a chance."- Matt undergoes surgery with a different doctor who offers more hope.
May of 2017- "I think we might be able to help you."- Still not pregnant, we visit world renown fertility specialist, Dr. Silber at his St. Louis based clinic.
May of 2017- "Babe. Babe! You won't believe this. I just took a pregnancy test and it was positive!" - Me, just a few days after our appointment (consultation ONLY) with the fertility specialist.
May of 2017- "No, that can't be right. Let's not get too excited."- Matt
June of 2017- "You're pregnant!"- OBGYN confirming our natural pregnancy-- apparently had already been pregnant at the time of our visit to see the fertility specialist!
October of 2017- "It's a girl...but she has kidney disease."- OB
December of 2017- "Her kidney disease is poly-cystic. We might be able to deliver early at 34 weeks and care for her in the NICU."- OB, giving what's known as a terminal diagnosis.
February of 2018- "She's here!" Selah is born full term at 7lbs, 11oz.
March of 2018- Selah is one month old today!

Although we've had countless doctors visits and specialists trips in addition to those documented above, we hold her in our arms today because of the one, true God; Jehova Jireh. God provides. With Him, all things are possible. ALL THINGS. We have no words for the journey we've been on to get our little girl here. It may not have been our timing or even the way we hoped it would go, but we KNOW our prayers have been heard and answered.

Psalm 66:19 "God has surely listened and has heard my prayer." 

Psalm 100:5 "For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." 

All hope is found in Him. 

Prayers for Selah

This precious baby girl is Selah (long e). Her name means to “pause, ponder and praise”, which is what I will do each time I look at her little face, because I am BELIEVING God will heal her.  She has not been born yet, but she is already a miracle. We have pleaded with the Lord for a child since January of 2015. She is due February 4^th, 2018 (Superbowl Sunday…sorry, honey). It has been and continues to be a long journey to get her here.

 

When I was in my 20’s, I went through some things. We all go through things; this life is full of hardship running parallel to beauty. At that time, I kept the things to myself… which caused me to isolate and make some poor decisions. As I’ve grown in my faith and understanding, I can see that keeping things to ourselves isn’t the wisest idea. As tough as it is to share struggles, it is the more victorious path. It is the path that allows us to proclaim our humanity—to tear away any ideas of perfection others have about our lives, to wear our vulnerability with honor, and to humbly ask those around us to cover us in prayer—because we all hurt and we all have needs. 

 

Please pray for our Selah. You can read about our struggle with infertility and our hopes to have a child together in my previous post. In May of this year, we discovered that after months and years of infertility, our prayer had been answered and we were expecting! PRAISE GOD! The following months were filled with joy and preparation. At 22 weeks, when we found out we were having a precious girl, we also discovered she had a cystic right kidney with little function and a cyst in her bladder. After visiting with a specialist, we learned this is a condition called Multicystic Dysplastic Kidney, or MCDK. Babies with this diagnosis can have a long road of medical testing and possible surgeries ahead, but are able to live and even function normally as long as they have one functioning kidney. We continued to be monitored every couple of weeks by a specialist and, after many tears, made peace with her diagnosis and gave lots of praises that her left kidney was functioning so strong- she was even growing and in the 90^th percentile! We went back to celebrating and preparing for her birth. 

At 32 weeks, an ultrasound revealed that cysts had formed on her left, healthy kidney, as well. The cysts on her right kidney were continuing to grow and while she still measured in the 66^th percentile, her growth had slowed some. Bilateral MCDK is much more serious of a prognosis. In fact, many couples whose babies have this diagnosis (especially paired with low amniotic fluid) are advised to terminate their pregnancies and told that their babies are “incompatible with life”—yes, even here in the US where we have such advanced medical technology. Some babies with this diagnosis are stillborn, some are born and live only a few hours, and still some are born and fight through to live. We are thankful that our providers have not spoken words of termination over our daughter; that is simply not an option for us. Because her fluid levels are still good, but more so because we know who her Heavenly Father is, there is hope for Selah. It has now been discussed that perhaps I will need to take a steroid shot to develop her lungs and be induced at 34 or 35 weeks (this would fall right around Christmas time) so that she can be monitored more closely in the NICU. This is the text my incredible husband sent me after we received this news. I am thankful for blessings like Him.

You can imagine my heartbreak. I am a pregnant mama who has carried this sweet baby for the last 8 months. My body has ached as it’s stretched and grown. I have felt her wriggle and kick within my womb daily. I have spoken to her countless times in quiet moments alone. I have prayed for her to be healthy, spent nights awake with worry and fear, and ridden the roller coaster of pregnancy without knowing the outcome. I will fight for this little girl. I will choose JOY in the face of fear. I will choose to trust that God is sovereign and that His plan, whatever it may be, is absolutely for my good. I will trust that He is good. I will believe in miracles. I will believe that she will be born and will beat all odds because of who God is. 

 

 And I will ask you to pray along with me for this little baby. Throughout pregnancy I’ve had different worries —at first, those surface worries such as would I gain too much weight? Would I have to have a C-section? Would I be able to breastfeed?  Would I be able to handle labor? Would I be strong enough to handle the medical road ahead? Would our finances hold up under all the medical bills? At this moment, none of those concerns mean anything; they’ve strangely faded into the background. The only prayer on my heart and lips is “Lord, let her live to praise you!” 

As we approach Christmas day, maybe some of you are going through things, too. Maybe you’ve lost someone this year, are battling a scary health diagnosis for yourself or a loved one, or are crushed under the weight of debt or depression. Whatever your things are this Christmas season, I also pray that you will join me in finding joy in the midst of our heartache. We have a very real Savior who warned us that we would have trouble in this life, but he also gently reminds us to take heart, for HE has already OVERCOME the world. -John 16:33  

 Thank you for praying with us during this Christmas season of miracles. 

Our Behind-the-Scenes Struggle with Infertility

Facebook culture. The world where everything looks perfect and kids do the funniest things. Babies don food in their hair and pets dress up in superman costumes. There are likes and LOL’s for miles.  In Facebook world, everything’s always okay—which is what our personal Facebook world looks like too, by the way, because no one wants to see a picture of that time Matt and I argued over who knows what in the driveway, I threw a piece of sidewalk chalk across the yard, and the neighbors stared at us awkwardly.

What I’ve learned through the lives of my precious clients as well as through my own heartbreak is that there’s a big problem with looking so happy on the outside while simultaneously living in secret sorrow. The problem with posting only our happy outings is that we struggle and suffer alone. Yes, there are private things we may never share with one another on any social media outlet, but there are times vulnerability is a relief. There are times we can no longer pretend we don’t hurt. There are times we desperately need the body of Christ to surround us in prayer.  It is not that vulnerability is easy, because I certainly am fond of being the strong one- but such a time has arrived for us. No more pretending we aren’t hurting.

Many of our friends know our story and have been rooting for us. Matt and I love the Lord with all of our hearts and desire to serve Him with our lives. We were both foolish in our youth and squandered blessings in different ways. Each of us survived the shattered dream of a divorce and lived as single parents for a season. And then, in a beautiful swoop of restoration, the Lord introduced us to one another. By this time, we had each grown in our faith and we knew that if we were going to do life together, it was going to be God’s way.  We had a beautiful courtship; one full of purity and hope. Yes, folks, we did save sex for marriage. Gasp. I remember one friend who said “Why are you waiting? I mean, you each have a child already so the cat’s kind of out of the bag!”  But we knew the Lord could restore our purity if we walked in obedience with Him, and again, this whole marriage thing was going to happen His way if it was going to happen at all.  We had a beautiful wedding complete with burlap and white lights strung from high hopes. 

We each had a dream on our heart to grow our family. I brought a sweet little girl to our marriage. Matt brought an energetic, heart-warming boy. Please don't misunderstand, we love these children dearly and are so grateful for each moment with them...but honestly, I pictured us having at least 2-3 more children together as being a mom is the greatest joy of my life. I came from a broken family and believe I’ve lived most of my life trying to put a family back together—right or wrong, this was our hope.  We were so excited and began trying from month one! Six months went by with no pregnancy. Each month I had a reason to think I was pregnant and in this time frame I probably went through at least a hundred pregnancy tests. I had a growing sense that something was wrong, but I was calmly insured that these things take time.

After a year of starting each month with the deep hope for that little pink plus sign to show up and instead ending in a puddle of tears, we decided to seek medical help.  We saw a primary care physician who ran an analysis. We waited to hear back hoping that this would give us a clue to what we needed to do next. But the doctor called me a week later—in the middle of my work day—and spoke very matter-of-factly “You two will probably not have children together. Have you thought about adoption?”

…. “what?” 

This is not the kind of news you deliver to a woman at 3pm on a Tuesday afternoon when she’s getting ready to sit down with her next client. But, he did.  I responded in some robotic way and set the phone down and shut my office door and sobbed harder than I ever have.

I asked God if this was punishment for being divorced. If this was because of all the mistakes I’ve made. If He was testing me. I cried out to Him.  He was silent. 

I went home to tell Matt the news that the doctor should have called us into his office to share with both of us. I tried to maintain composure, but it was not a pretty night.  For several months after that I cried daily and tried to imagine never having a child with my husband. Not a big deal, right? We both have a child. So what if we don’t have one together. We share these children with ex-spouses, which wasn’t exactly the original plan, but they are healthy and we are raising them together. It’s fine.

Except for that it’s not. I can’t let this dream go. My heart aches to grow a family with my best friend. To experience him holding my hand in child birth. To see his gentle-giant hands pick up a tiny life that we’ve created together. To have this bond with one another that is part of God’s purpose for marriage. We began looking for a second opinion. We met with a fertility specialist who put us on supplements. We tested again three months later, but the outlook was even more bleak. I cried some more. I read a 300-page book on conception and changed each of our diets in drastic ways for six months.

Twenty-one. That’s the number of months we’ve been married-- which isn’t long at all, unless you’ve been hoping and praying and trying and crying out to God every month for 21 months to please have mercy on you and bless you with a life you know you don’t deserve.  In that case, 21 months feels like an eternity. We recently went to another specialist who gave a little more hope, but stated a surgery would be necessary. Thankfully, this specialist found a problem area that others weren’t able to locate. And here we are. After much prayer, our surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. Neither of us know the outcome. Matt has been brave and strong as an oak while I’ve just been an emotional wreck. 

 I haven’t been myself for at least the last year and a half. This is why. Struggling with infertility was never part of my formula. It took me by surprise and came at a time when I thought I was leaving the worst of my heartache behind. Matt and I are a stronger couple for it. In our first two years of marriage, we’ve survived the dynamics of a blended family along with this monthly roller coaster of emotion. We hit our knees in prayer each night and take it one day at a time. It’s hard to count it all as joy, and yet I’m thankful for a new understanding of what it feels like to face infertility. It gives me another “specialty area” in my counseling ministry, a compassion that is only birthed from experience—but most of all, when and if God decides to give us another child, the glory will be all the more to Him because HE IS ABLE even when doctors say “not possible.”  That is the God we serve. 

This song couldn’t have come to me at a more perfect time:

Thy Will Be Done